Saturday, March 22, 2008

Puppetriage: Un-Surgeons Report March 8th A.Da. 92

While enjoying a martini with friends at the Lost and Found Anti-Officers Club my fellow anti-nurses, dada-doctors, and barr-barr-barbers we suddenly heard the call over the loud speaker “Incoming wounded, incoming wounded! All surgeons to the Puppetriage! That is all!” It looked like daddy B.S. and the Institute for Aesthletics were at it again...some triumphant maneuver called Bosch on Ice! As some un-general gets his medals, I thought to myself, we'd be knee deep in rubber, glue, and wood, the real gore on our hands. I raced to Puppetriage, where one at a time we laid the dieing on the operating table.

Name: Anti-Tom
DOB: January 29th 2006
Medical History: Acute Titalitise and teething.
Symptoms: crushed scull, body in three pieces, other pieces assumed missing or destroyed.
Diagnosis: HOLY SHIT!
Treatment: Dr. Olchar was committed to an orthodontic angioplasty to the skull. We agreed. Dr. Salazar lovingly executed a hick-teeth positioning procedure. Dr. Butkovic and I delicately carried Anti-Tom to the SR (staple room) where the team held Anti-Tom down and gave him a haircut while we sutured the gangrenous gums to the patients cavernous temple. A rousing success. The medical team positioned bits of duct-tape around the torso and started cobbling the limbs together: Subdeltoid Bursa mashed against Iliopubic Head of Pelvis and Femur jambed into Caracoid Process, whatever the devil that means! New eyes were arbitrarily added at no extra expense. The patient was taken to the Jamie Bruno Recovery Wing of the hospital and given a bed of dusty string.

Name: Miss Rickets
DOB: January 23rd 1986
Medical History: Patient's lingua has been ripped off, stolen, escaped, or simply fallen off once or twice a month for past year and a half. 'Baked tongue' (erythematous and/or atrophic glossitis) resulting in blackening and the accumulation of foreign bodies upon the tongue. Emaciation of the torso. Cosmetic surgery: 2nd fin. Malt vinegar enema treatment in England to no avail.
Symptoms: Nausea and projectile vomiting.
Diagnosis: Rheumatology and Nervous Affection (towards appendage alien to patient's species)
Treatment: 400+ cc's Vodka administered via plastic umbilicus and EMD (Emergency Medicinal Deputizing) to sublimate patient's Nervous Affection.
Notes: Patient arrived wailing incessantly about her-his missing tongue, which was not yet recovered from the combat zone. We ignored her obvious undernourishment and superficial lacerations. The attending Pataphysicians decided inebriation and the bestowing of a superficial office were best. We poured 20 cc's of Vodka over her blow-hole. It wasn't going in at all so we quickly increased the dosage to our entire supply. Her-his eyes were then unresponsive to his-her pulse normalized. We prepared the dorsal fin for conjoinment with the ornaments of make-believe office. Dr. Dolnac, Tsubasa, and I executed the trusty Rusted Nail'n Hammer procedure driving the plastic star into her r(bl)ubber. As we pierced the patient's flesh she-he violently rejected the new responsibility and it took 1,000 of us to hold her down. Dr. Olchar recommended a full psych evaluation.

Name: Comptroller Needleman
DOB: December 25th 1963
Medical History: Alcoholic polyneuropathy from birth. Feet dismembered at an early age during an attack of rabid, Jesus worshiping dolphins. Loss of nose after blacking out at Catharcism of Narcotica show. Received liquid nitrogen Bath
Symptoms: Nausea and projectile vomiting.
Diagnosis: Hypertrophic scarring around the nose and feet, loutishness.
Treatment: 400+ cc's Jack Daniels whiskey administered orally, orthopedic surgery on feet, prosthetic hirsutism.
Notes: We decided to use hair cut from the recovering Anti-Tom (which would lessen the weight on his-her collapsing head) for the patient's prosthetic beard after we applying med-goop in generous pools around the patients face. He blinked up at us in wonderment as skillful hands applied a mustache in the shape of an upside-down T to cover his hideous non-nose. Dr. Olchar recommended prosthetic feet. The team decided on a plastic fork and silver candle which were enthusiastically jammed into the patient's empty ankle sockets. After a lacing of goop Dr. Butkovic began administering a 'healthy' dose of whiskey. The patient appeared already saturated with alcohol, he-she began reeling in delight and consumed our entire stock and finally wet him-herself with wild abandon. We sterilized (torched) the piss-born humors now expunged from the patient's rotting wood-flesh. Dr Dolnac administers an anti-aromatherapy ritual: burning plastic fork prongs.

Name: John Doe
DOB: some fucking time or other...
Medical History: Extreme flaccidity of the torso from birth, not being alive.
Symptoms: Nausea and projectile vomiting.
Diagnosis: Maximal laceration of the abdomen sustained while beating a drum with Tsubasa.
Treatment: Staple sutures.
Notes: This poor sod was so far gone, having never been alive in the first place, we decided it best to barely try at all. Dr. Butkovic and I slammed staples into this flapping skin-bag as though we were humping a dead rhinoceros. Unfortunately he survived.

Name: Viceroy Hector Clam
DOB: circa 1918
Medical History: Some minor infections from tattoos, pink eye.
Symptoms: Nausea and projectile vomiting.
Diagnosis: Splitting of the torso in twain from severe blunt force trauma to an ice-rink.
Treatment: Emergency mane reconstruction, waxing of the skull, and snake/tail substitution.
Notes: Corpsmen at the scene, lead by Patamedic Reid Bingham, had skillfully reconstructed the patient using available pythons and a hollowed out horse-head. Upon inspection we found the indefatigable equine to be holding up far better than first expected. Drops of hot wax were used to annul the patient's head injuries while an asp was driven into its steaming tail-hole. The patient's dismembered mane was attached round the lower jay using some string in a risky procedure known as Adenovimician Vommar Capularvimation. Hector Clam was feeling so chipper after the surgery she-he trotted over to the recovery room.